每首歌都有它的專屬回憶

或許是一段故事 或許是某些情緒

人人對音樂和語言 都有不同見解與喜好

我一直傾向中文歌曲

因為許多中文歌曲所帶出的情感 和詞中的詩意 話中話

是其他語言的歌曲無法詮釋的

儘管中文歌曲不再受歡迎 它在我心中的意義 永遠不變

These few months have been a trying period, mentally and emotionally. It has led to a lot of reflections, a few secret mini mental breakdowns, some tears, and very little sleep. There's much to talk about, but I guess details are redundant; I have things to share and thoughts are flashing so fast in my head I'm afraid they would be lost if I don't pen them down today.

Is there something in your life that makes you feel as if you can spend any amount of effort to achieve, and have the end product remove any ounce of resentment or fatigue that surfaced during the process? For some, it could be an A grade on a paper. It could be a crowd's cheers and looks of admiration. It could be a pretty paycheck. It could be a loved one's smile.

For me, it is the hearts of the people whom I have walked together with, and have left an impact on. Knowing I played a part in changing someone's life for the better, however small, is one of the most genuine happiness I have felt. Even if it were only a shared memory, the feeling of giving it my all and knowing the moment will be part of me forever... It's priceless.

What sparked of this chain of thoughts particularly was something Sandy (dongsaeng from CJ) said to me this evening - a simple '辛苦了'. It shocked me, because in my eyes, all I saw was them working so hard, Sandy and Natalie meeting up everyday from early in the day till late at night; the group meeting up and practising as soon as they are able to put aside other things in their lives... And amidst being surprised by their true efforts and tearing myself between them and my own school work, I didn't notice I didn't actually have to be there officially, but am also giving my all seeing them through their items. I didn't know they really became part of me until I felt an emotional surge while telling them how they must put up a performance that they will never regret, no matter what the results turn out to be. I really appreciated the acknowledgement from my dear girls; it gave me more strength to push on, be it for myself, or for them.

For me, the feeling of giving is enough to see me through hard times. My 演員s shining onstage in 華會... VJ people dancing the school mass dance... Blogposts from VJ freshmen saying how fun orientation was... Ronald's reaction seeing a birthday cake outside his door at 12am... My S2 freshies cheering their lungs out and enjoying the camp... And the most recent one: laughing till our faces ache during group vocal practices... And many more.

I'm glad to be part of all these memories, whether or not I am directly involved. Because I have these, I feel my life has not been wasted. No matter how small those moments may be, it is these moments that make me, and will be part of me forever.

Sometimes I can't help feeling that life's pretty unfair. Every time I feel restricted by financial matters, I would think: hey, those kids born with a silver spoon, or even kids born into a normal, middle-income family wouldn't ever have this trapped feeling I often get. I'm not referring to people who occasionally get 'broke' meaning they have no money in their wallets but still have a reservoir of virtual cash inscribed in their little bank books. Even if they do not possess that kind of money, many still have a family which can be sustained and not collapse should there be a sudden stoppage of income. And having parents that actually have money to loan them if they need it (whether or not the parents actually lend them, at least they do HAVE the reserve amount).

It makes me feel like a butterfly with my wings clipped. Money isn't everything, but it can bring you so much. Opportunities to let you grow, to see the world, to improve yourself.. To not worry every time there is something you really want and isn't even remotely difficult to achieve, but you just cannot dream to reach for it. I feel so restricted, so bound, so tied.

But I do not blame anyone or anything for my fate to be born not-as-affluent (euphemism). I have learnt much from being in this situation. Knowing to appreciate every small little thing that you have because you know how hard things come by... Working hard for something you want... Seeing how other people take things for granted and vouching that you will always be humble... I believe I have seen more of the world than the average Singaporean youth and I thank my life for that.

Life is unfair when it comes to the ease and comfort which people live their lives, but experience and empowerment wise, I guess I've got the better end of the stick.

My challenge for now is to be magnanimous and forgiving towards factors that perpetuate or worsen the conditions I'm in, tipping the equilibrium that we have all been striving hard towards maintaining. I'm still wondering if it is beyond the boundaries of my humanity to not feel the resentment and yet be positive about it, but I'm learning.

I'm still human.

1. Witnessed this just now. Was approaching a traffic light but was still a long distance to catch the upcoming green man. Saw the cars stop, but the red man didn't turn green. People waited, then suddenly the green light for the cars came on again, and the cars drove off. Everyone turned to look at the button, realised no one pressed it, then looked at the uncle nearest to it (didn't even have to stretch one metre to reach it) in disbelief. I was amused watching, but if I were there, I would have thrown that uncle a few death glares! I take it upon myself to check the button is pressed EVERYTIME I am at a traffic junction (anal pedestrian) and even though everyone has the responsibility to check it, the person nearest should be the most 自動 right??

But wait, it's not over. The next logical thing that should happen would involve the uncle pressing the button, then everyone waits for the next green man. However, even though the uncle recognized that the green man didn't come due to no one pressing the button closest to him, he turned away from the button without pressing it, then started to jaywalk! Seriously, I wouldn't pity him if he got into a car accident. I know this is mean, but it's his karma. I am merciless when it comes to road courtesy!!! This kind of accidents can be prevented. If you let it happen 'cos you jaywalk, it's just too bad.

2. This incident didn't happen today, but many many other times. I would be waiting at the traffic light (public transport and roads really create angst), already standing near the edge of the road, then some aunties would squeeze past people already standing there and stop in front of us, like they cant wait to sprint across the road when the light turns green. But when it does, these aunties started to leisurely saunter off, like they have all the time in the world, some carrying umbrellas, blahblah. My blood really boils if I were in a rush! Roar, if they were in a rush too, I wouldn't have minded them kiasu-ly squeeze in front of me to get closer to the road, but if not, why do that?? Am I blocking the traffic light??

This behaviour is also replicated elsewhere (read no.3), and it also makes my blood curd.

3. Getting off MRTs. Some people seem to think they are the only people who wants to get off a certain stop, squeezing past people who also intend to get off, just to get right in front of the door before it opens. And when the door really does open, they walk off like machiam making grand entrance, must enjoy the moment and treasure each second they walk out of the door. Sorry to destroy their moment of glory, but not only people want to get off after them, there are people trying to get on too! (Wah talking about impatient and kiasu people trying to squeeze into the train while people are coming out, I can write another essay) Anyway this situation applies only when train is full. If not, take all the time you want~

The list goes on forever when I start on public transport courtesy, but no stamina to talk so much. Enough angst released for the day.

Probably it's PMS, so this is for a certain someone who would certainly be reading this post! ROARRRRRR at you! Hmph :( Why does the smallest things make you feel dissatisfied? Maybe I'm really a terrible girlfriend after all. I'm not perfect. But I keep trying. (Even though with some angst inside) Boo!

Anyway, am moving on to second year in NUS. Time passed bloody fast... It really just feel like Oweek'10 not long ago, and now Arts Camp'11 is already over!!! Was OGL for S2 (SHY!) and was impacted by the experience. S House in my Heart! I probably won't be able to keep up with everything, being occupied with other stuff but I'll remember this camp and this OG (my kids) forever. It's a completely different type of experience from organizing VJC orientation; it was more on the ground level. I wouldn't say any is better than the other, they are simply different and I'm glad I had a chance to try both :)

Still am pursuing my passion in CJ, singing and dancing (though much less dancing for this period of time due to arts camp!). Lost my voice but still performed at Bukit Timah Plaza last Sunday, refused to let the chance go.. Each exposure is an experience! Plus, it was the first gig of this era's vocal crew! Am glad I had the chance :)

Enjoying my holidays now while I can!

(in the kitchen)

bro: (walks in) WAAAA 餓死了 媽你煮什麼?

(bro looks at plate of veggies intently, stares at something for awhile)

bro: 這個什麼? EEEEEEEEE 做麼有蝸牛的????

mom and I: O_O 蝸牛????

mom: (after scrutinizing) orh... 這個是魚的眼睛啦.

bro: 做麼會有魚的眼睛的???!!?

mom: 不知道, 可能剛才爸爸吃了掉下去啦.

bro: 你有煮魚meh????

mom: (over-enthusiastic) 有!!!!

(pause.)

bro: WAAAA 我今天很飽啊, 超級飽, 剛才老板請我吃飯... (leaves)

me: O_O

AND OMG SOMETHING SUAY TTM JUST HAPPENED. ZZZZ.